This doesn’t lessen my importance; it simply means that I’m not required to fulfill a certain role. 2. Raising a child that is not yours biologically does NOT have to be the stereo typical "step children from hell" . My son was a tiny, cute little baby when he came into my life. Putting it together. But they can be—and are—infused with love. The relationship is different. You don’t have to be the perfect mom or dad to the kid that already has one. 6. In fact, there have been a lot of cases where someone who was not the biological father was a much better parent then the so-called "real" father. She craves my attention when she’s with us. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about what it's like to fall in love with a child who isn't your flesh and blood. You can teach self-love to your child by showing it towards yourself. Then listen to your child’s opinions with respect. 4. Can you love children that are not biologically yours? Be the person they can come to when they don’t feel like they can go to their parents. I wish you the best of luck! Issues relating to the child’s background will be both behavioral and emotional and will be played out in the family environment. But SO doesn't care. 20 comments. You begin to prepare for them, announce their upcoming arrival, and lose sleep over picking the perfect name. These parents don’t tend to stay single for long and so blended families are becoming quite the norm. Each one will require parents to reach out in unique ways. I expected him to be angry, hurt. All punishment withdraws love from the child. Walk away from people who disrespect or abuse you. Besides, the truth is that no child belongs to a parent. That's his baby. You’re not alone. What I felt for my daughter, and didn’t for him, his biological mother did. My step-son, on the other hand, already has a mom and dad. I’ve got 3 parenting tips for dealing with “I don’t love you!” I struggle with my mother-daughter relationship. If you assume your child is just being moody, you may not respond with as much love. Apparently, so does my daughter. I love my son. My name is Andrea Thompson and I’m a home based freelance writer. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. It's very possible to love a child that's not biologically yours. If your child is an unbeliever, don’t ignore it. Even if your step-child is just a regular kid – neither angel nor devil – it is normal not to love him or her. I don’t necessarily think this has anything to do with biology, carrying the child within your body, or creating them with your own DNA. Don't put yourself down in front of your child. Love involves sacrifice. One step at a time. Routine helps kids feel safe and know what to expect. Don’t expect them to be Christ-like. When I first started seeing my husband, his son was only 3 months old. Writing has always been my passion, which I followed through high school, and for a while in college. Although, this method is often used I suggest allowing the child to mature for a year or two to see if the baby’s hue changes. A non-biological father is a parent who is not related to the child by blood. I’d jump in front of a moving train for either one of them. You may house their bodies but not their souls, My SO has a son, but the child is not his bio child. report. by Andrea Thompson | Mar 3, 2017 | Parenting Advice, Relationships + Family | 2 comments. How in the world was it okay that I felt differently about this new baby than I did his son? On occasion, we also use cookies to collect information from our toddlers, but that’s a totally different thing. They don't have the same biological genes or savings account of stored-up love and energy for the teenager. Reaffirm your love for him. Now, before you burn me at the stake, let me clarify. After all, think of how long it took you to find your spouse to love. Until one night I finally broke down in sobs to my husband and told him everything. It hurts when my child says she doesn’t love me. So proud of you! You can't abandon a child after you had already been raising them, and formed a bond with them. Boundaries are not designed for the sake of punishing but for the sake of flourishing. Therapy can help you alot. You begin to prepare for them, announce their upcoming arrival, and lose sleep over picking the … Visit our Privacy Policy for more info. I am her mother. Joseph says: “According to MSF, some foster children do come with a background of trauma, and the negative behaviours really stem … Maybe you love your child so much you are afraid to bond because losing that child would destroy you? How Can I Love A Child Who Is Not My Own Flesh And Blood? I didn’t treat his son any differently. We can blame that on society, money or a number of other excuses. After listening to me for what seemed like forever, he looked at me quizzically and said, “It’s okay.”. This just isn’t the case in a situation where your partner has a child from a previous relationship. If the child was born during your marriage to the mother, you are by default considered the biological father and legal guardian of the child, in nearly all cases. Here are 10 easy ways to bond with your child and strengthen their relationship with their child. I try to practice this with BOTH of my children. But the Torah tells us that we must “love our neighbor as we love ourselves.” If you think the child is dealing with deeper issues, you may be tempted to excuse the behavior. The color of the newborn’s skin tone. The fact of the matter is 40% of married couples in America have entered a relationship with existing children and there are approximately 12 million single parents. Biology doesn’t lead to love. When it comes to my daughter, all she has is myself and my husband. I live in a tiny, little town in Kentucky, where I spend my free time fishing with my kids. The thing about being a nanny — or in any line of childcare — is that you get attached to a child that doesn't in any way belong to you. (There's a long story behind how SO got Mikey. Are you able to love a child that is not yours and to love that child as your own? Maybe the kid doesn’t like you; perhaps they’re struggling with the change in their life. We can’t give our full hearts over to just anyone. sometimes it’s difficult to be a step-parent. It’s a question I’ve been asked many times — by my closest friends, by my mother and most importantly, by my son’s birthmother: “How do you know you will love a child who is not your own flesh and blood?” Long story short. But if you want to know how to really love your child today—and every … And that you can continue to grow in your love for and understanding of your love for your child now. share. And, in the end, I can prove to my daughter that she can do anything she wants with this life. Be the person who CHOSE to be in their life, to care for them and love them, who you by no means had to. I’m just an extra person to love and snuggle him. Yours! (And, yes, I refer to him as my son) I love him just as much as I did the day I met him. He recently adopted Mikey and now he's 100% his. When I first found out I was having a girl, I worried. Loving and nurturing a child is necessary when fostering a child. Archived. While you love this child with all your heart and soul, they already have a parent that you can’t, and shouldn’t, replace. But, the fact of the matter is, it’s not uncommon to find yourself in a relationship with someone who has a kid, or going into one with a kid of your own. I played with him, bathed him, fed him and rocked him just like he was mine. Its love that counts, not genetics or DNA. He was so easy to love. Maybe he'll just like her a lot, and they'll get on well. This is where a lot of step-parents run into problems. If you love the child then I cant imagine that it would change how you feel. Privacy Policy. If we hurt the child physically, obviously the child does not feel loved at that moment, no matter what we tell him. If your son is not a Christian, he’s not going to act like one. I do agree with your teacher that it is hard to love a child that isn't yours biologically more or as much as you love your own, but I do think it is possible to still LOVE a child that is not biologically yours. We use cookies to collect information from your browser to personalize content and perform site analytics. But in a mother-child relationship, the parent does wield an amazing amount of emotional power. Thanks for this article! It’s the commitment to your child that does. 67% Upvoted. He believes raising another man’s child is a burden too much to bear for a lifetime. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. It's one of those things that changes your life. It’s programmed in you. Where to move from a big city with small children? Mom says: December 30, 2020 at 5:24 pm. Peaceful parenting is such a big part of my life and home. This thread is archived. I still played and talked with him like I always had. You become attached. Focus on being their friend. You can love a child that is not biologically yours by accepting the fact that, by your oath to his mother , you have pledged your sword to the bloodline of that child which places you under a duty, an honour, and an obligation to die rather than defile the temple of daily sacrifice, which is love. Finally, years later, I was in a place where I could leave the day job that never truly made me happy, and pursue my dreams. I’m very thankful for the opportunity to share my experience with others. I’ve built, and am still building, my writing career from scratch. This is one of the things many people take for granted because we always prefer facts on paper, but naturally, every father and child have a spiritual and emotional connection and you will be surprised to know that you can tell if a child is yours at first sight – just because something within you which you may not quite be able to explain connected with the child anytime you set eyes on him or … It's scary, but exciting. Can you love children that are not biologically yours? Consider saying "I'm not comfortable with you treating me that way." It's perfectly possible he'll grow to love your child over time, but it's also perfectly possible he won't. Nobody wants to talk about this. But, instead, he pointed out to me that it was, in fact, okay. I think that it simply boils down to the fact that my son already has a mother. “Accepting to raise that child means that one will have to deal with the child’s father forever, this brings up trust issues and it is not good for a marriage,” he says. The Answer Is Simple. At about six months old, we parted ways, but due to the mother’s habits and history, I was awarded primary custody of the child with the mother retaining visitation and paying the very minimal state child support due to her lack of working. Building Connection D eveloping a relationship with a child that is not yours follows the same steps as if it was. As a biological mother or father, you automatically love your child the moment that plus sign pops up on that plastic stick. If it hadn’t eaten me up to the point of breaking down, no one would’ve ever noticed. Either way, it’s okay. Start a solid meal routine. You won’t think twice about which parent does more or less because it won’t matter.All that will matter is the amazing journey you have been on with this child or children. He was the cutest little thing I’d ever seen. Use empathy, connection, and repair -- rather than punishing. Or maybe you’re just like me and don’t understand that difference in emotions between your step and biological children. It’s programmed in you. Then there was the fact that Cheri was a hugely damaged and difficult child. Express your wish for your child’s future happiness and the reasons you think she or he is making a mistake. Show the child respect, show the mother respect and have a united front with the mother, and everything should be fine. – not to like your child’s mood and behavior, even though you love him underneath it all. And that’s okay! If you discover the child you thought was biologically yours really isn’t, the emotional pain can be excruciating and you may feel confused about your relationship with them. I suspect that people asking how you could ever love a child who isn’t “yours” believe love should be easy. But, being a step-parent has it’s challenges! You may give them your love but not your thoughts. I know too many other adoptees, and too many adoptive parents, to doubt the commonality of your experience. The thing about being a nanny — or in any line of childcare — is that you get attached to a child that doesn't in any way belong to you. But they can be—and are—infused with love. I didnt feel that immense love most moms feel until just a few weeks ago and my son was born New Years Eve 2014. Your children are not your children. With his big brown eyes and chubby little cheeks, he stole my heart. It's not so easy for stepmoms. 4. Despite not being biologically related to the child, a non-biological parent can still obtain legal parental status by formally adopting the child. I’m 23 years old, married to my best friend, and mother to a wonderfully independent and opinionated 3 year old girl and step-mother to a sweet seven year old boy. Close. "I know the baby isn't mine... Just waiting on this income tax check then I'm leaving her!" Your child should never hear you call yourself names like stupid, fat, or lazy. But, sometimes that may not always be the case. A toxic relationship is a two-way street. This is because a valid adoption enables a non-biological parent to gain full legal and physical custody of a child. And though they are with you, they belong not to you. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. hide. Do keep in mind that dramatic reactions may be exactly what the child is seeking, and may end up encouraging more undesired behavior, so keep it calm if you can. I’ve been proud of all of her accomplishments, all of her successes and I’ve held her close when she’s had her fair share of disappointments. Being a surrogate father is a way to help the children understand, and maybe one day experience, the love of the Heavenly Father, says Joseph. Holidays might be easier, but eternity won’t be. I was wrong. As a biological mother or father, you automatically love your child the moment that plus sign pops up on that plastic stick. And I think parenting—whether you’re raising your child by birth or adoption—is going to have plenty of challenging moments. I could’ve smacked him. Sacrifice….love….commitment… long painful nights of holding them through the storm of their trauma….fighting for them (even when you want to fight against them)…is how love is built. Remind them and yourself of this daily. Reply. We’ve had our issues, but she’s a good mother. And I think parenting—whether you’re raising your child by birth or adoption—is going to have plenty of challenging moments. I loved the child from the start. 6) General Appearance and Resemblance: I have seen adoptive parents that carry the same kind of love for their adopted children that I carry for my biological one. For they have their own thoughts. I had a child with a woman several years ago, and had no reasons not to assume the child was mine. To me, anyone who could do that means they must have never loved the child. Posted by 5 years ago. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. The assumption that parents, especially mothers, have a “natural” love for their child is a fundamental part of our belief system—and the core of family life and society. After having my daughter, and coming to this realization, I felt absolutely horrible, even ashamed, for a long time. Never acceptable, however, is not reaching out at all. The man died. Second, when you get a stranger in your house, you're not going to love it straight away, you're just not. You become protective, caring, confused, and even a little… I crave for hers when she’s not. I thought I could never love another kid like I love this one. Analyzing a child’s facial features and eating habits. I’m not a girlie-girl and I didn’t really know what to do with one of those. Put all of that out of your head for the time being and start with introducing them. If your most intimate moments are about meeting his needs and not yours, we’re sorry to say he’s absolutely a man-child. This guest post is by Angela Boucher, an adoptive mother. But, I’m passionate and I’m good at what I do. Healthy habits are the best way to raise a healthy child. Life happened, and once I discovered we were pregnant, I switched directions; opting for the healthcare industry because of the stability. and their are outside influences pulling on the child on the paternal side but you can love anothers child and it is part of loving the package that is your partner he will love his own 100% and it will be more precious but he will not if he says he loves your son love him any less he just could not love him 100% We’re all she’s got. I'd be mad at the other parent for not telling me, but I wouldn't want my relationship with the child to change. The mother cheated, got pregnant with another man's baby. It wasn’t until I gave birth to my daughter, that I realized that while I love them both equally, I don’t love them the same. I'm not the father." Doing things for your stepchild or stepchildren will be like 2nd nature and your love will be unconditional for them. Maybe you’re struggling to find that “parental instinct” you thought you were supposed to have. The example you gave [in the original question on Quora], which is apparently supposed to show the "evil incarnate" attitude of a seven-year-old girl, was one sentence of sass. He is her father. That maternal instinct and bond belongs to her. But there’s just a little something different there when that child is YOURS. Inspiring Our Future Leaders Is Vital Today, Beginner’s Guide To Kid-Friendly RV Vacations, Teen Suicide Is A Problem Worldwide But Especially In India, Encourage Imaginative Play For Children With Our Top 5 Parenting Tips, First-time Homeowners Should Look To Buy A Condominium, Top 3 Babywearing Tips For Proper Posture. Just to clarify, I love my son more, yes, however I LOVE the crap out of my daughter. I care about him and for him the same way I do my biological daughter. Analyzing how the child walks. Your child will only thrive if you see her positively, so she can see herself positively. Thank you so much, Susy! I suspect that people asking how you could ever love a child who isn’t “yours” believe love should be easy. Subscribe to our newsletter to receive the freshest, up to date parenting advice and stories. It’s a difficult situation, one that tends to be swept under the rug rather than dealt with. 5. That “love” feeling for a step-child doesn’t always come easy to everyone. The difficult thing about making assumptions is it may cause you to treat a child in a different way, which may not always resolve the problem. It’s perfectly OK – and very common! I know I had to let go of what I thought motherhood was going to be for me and accept what it is. Because we love our children SO much, it’s easy to think that our love for them is best expressed in BIG gestures—a trip to an amusement park, an unexpected BIG gift, a HUGE birthday party. It's different, yet rewarding. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. save. Parenting Advice, Ideas, and Strategies from Famous Parents, Parenting Tricks To Get Your Kids To Eat Their Vegetables, Seven Tricks To Getting Your Fussy Baby Down To Sleep, 6 Things to Do in Antigua and Barbuda On Your Family Vacation, Renting with Children: The Basics of Getting a Kid-Friendly Apartment. We all have spiritual connections with our children and those who meditate and know how to listen to their inner being, can feel this and so if you don’t feel anything at all towards the child, its likely the baby is not yours and vice versa. For Derrick Kabanda, a graduate, it would certainly be a different case. Make a bedtime routine as well that includes hygiene and maybe time to read together.